


Cake Monster

by merryghoul



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Anthropomorphic, Cake, Cake Fic Meme, F/M, Handcuffs, Ties & Cravats, Wet & Messy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 15:10:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4184517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/pseuds/merryghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor gets a cake for River's birthday.  It's not what he imagined it to be, but River, on the other hand, is thrilled.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cake Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Fic Promptly: [Author's choice, author's choice, The Gift (Buffy, the Vampire Slayer)](http://fic-promptly.dreamwidth.org/146007.html?thread=6714199&format=light#cmt6714199)
> 
> Season of Kink: wet/messy

It was River's birthday. The Doctor wanted this birthday to be special. Before picking up River at Stormcage, he picked up a chocolate sponge cake on the planet where the best baked goods were made in the universe: Barastabon. He put the cake in the TARDIS refrigerator and steered the TARDIS to Stormcage.

Cakes in the TARDIS, whether they're from Earth or Barastabon, aren't usually affected by being in the TARDIS. And yet certain chemicals in this particular cake made the cake come alive--literally. The cake grew eyes and a mouth. And it began to grow bigger.

Meanwhile, the Doctor picked up River from Stormcage. River led the Doctor to her bedroom in the TARDIS, both unaware of the sentient cake in the TARDIS' refrigerator. There River stripped the Doctor of all his clothes except for his bowtie.

"Oi," he said, "why do you want me to keep my bowtie on?"

"Well, you're the one that says 'bowties are cool' all the time."

River pulled out handcuffs from under the bed. She handcuffed herself to the Doctor.

The Doctor looked at his right wrist. "Hey..."

"That's no way to treat the birthday girl. It's my special day. I get what I want." She smiled.

There was a faint roaring noise outside River's room, somewhere in the corridor.

"Doctor, what's that?"

"That is either a specimen of mine that has gotten loose from my menagerie or...I don't know."

"I think we'd better stop it."

The Doctor shook his handcuffed wrist. "Like this? River, are you mad?"

"I think the TARDIS wants the threat dealt with now. Let's go."

River jumped out of bed. The Doctor had no choice but to follow her.

There, in the corridor near River's room, was the chocolate sponge cake from Barastabon. It was now nearly as big as the corridor and about as tall as the Doctor was.

The Doctor wiggled his fingers. "River, meet this cake I got you for your birthday from Barastabon. I believe it has come alive because it has been exposed by the telepathic circuits in the TARDIS. I still haven't moved the kitchen away from those circuits. Maybe I should do that."

The cake roared.

"Oh, sweetie, you shouldn't have gotten me this cake." River aimed her blaster at the cake.

The Doctor stood between River and the cake. "River, it's a sentient cake from Barastabon."

"I know."

"Don't you think we should take the cake back to Barastabon so it can live freely and do whatever it is these cakes do in the wild?"

River laughed. "Doctor, whoever heard of a cake living in the wild after it's been made sentient by a TARDIS telepathic circuit?"

The cake roared again.

"Romana let a cake back into the wild."

"I'm not Romana, sweetie, and that cake is going to eat us."

River aimed her blaster at the cake, over the Doctor's shoulder.

"No!"

The cake exploded. Its remains splattered all over the TARDIS corridor and the Doctor.

The Doctor touched his bowtie with his free hand. "My tie."

River put her blaster back in her holster. "Now, where were we? Oh, yes. I was about to unwrap my present."

"But that sentient cake was your present."

"I don't mean the cake, silly. But I'm afraid unwrapping my present will have to wait. My present's been soiled because it happened to fall into a cake by accident. I guess I'll have to clean it off."

"I can get a towel--"

"I don't need a towel. I need you to get on the floor."

"We have to clean up the TARDIS. I hate when there's a mess in the TARDIS. The TARDIS hates where there's a mess in the TARDIS. We need mops, buckets, sponges, soap, water--"

River hushed the Doctor. "That can wait. I need you to get on the floor. You're ruining the moment."

"What moment?"

"The moment where I have my cake."

"The cake's on me now."

River nodded. "I know. I'm making sure it doesn't go completely to waste."

"Don't you want a bed? It's more comfortable."

"I don't need a bed. Now get on the floor."

The Doctor lay down on the floor. River curled up beside him on his right side. She clasped her hand around his and started licking the cake off his right arm.

"That's going to take a while, River."

"I know." She licked more of the cake off of the Doctor's arm. "Tasty. Was this a sponge cake?"

"Yes."

"Sponge cake looks great on you. You should wear sponge cake now. Sponge cake is cool."

"I can't wear sponge cake everywhere I go. I'll be naked."

"Nudity hasn't stopped you from doing anything. Now hush. I can't even enjoy my present."

River went back to licking the Doctor's right arm. She slowly lapped up the frosting and cake that was still left on it. The Doctor was squirming. "That tickles."

"This really will take forever, Doctor."

River continued licking and sucking the cake and frosting off of the Doctor, letting the Doctor's sweat mingle with the frosting and cake on her tongue. After she was done with his right arm, she moved on to his neck, causing the Doctor to gasp with each nibble she took. She moved onto his face; when she was done, she kissed him, giving him a long, lingering kiss on his lips.

"But your clothes," the Doctor said as River traveled south to his chest. "Aren't you afraid they're going to get dirty?"

"They're not staying on my body. Now will you stop talking for once?"

River lapped up the frosting on the left side of the Doctor's body. The Doctor whimpered, babbled, and let out a few moans. She saved his right breast for last, licking around it before sucking his nipple for a bit. The Doctor said jibberish as his nipple was being sucked.

River raised her handcuffed hand and, using her blaster, blew apart the handcuffs. "I wasn't planning on doing that, you know. Then I learned you had a sentient cake on board. I can't clean you up chained to you, can I?" Then she started on the Doctor's right leg.

River kept licking and sucking the cake off of the Doctor's left leg, left arm, and the left side of his chest, leaving his breast and nipple for last. She also kept him babbling and moaning.

When she had licked most of the cake off of the Doctor's body, River went back to the Doctor's bowtie, taking it off and putting it by his left side. "Finally I can open my present."

"All you wanted was me for your birthday."

"Material things are nice, but what else would I want on my birthday?"

River then kissed the middle of the Doctor's chest before stopping and grinning. "Something's growing here, Doctor. And it's not more sentient cake."

"I couldn't help myself."

"I see. But I can fix that for you. How would you like me to fix it?" She wriggled the fingers of her right hand. "With my hand, or..." She licked her lips.

"The second one."

"Ooh, I'm being positively spoiled on my birthday," River said as she went down on him.

**Author's Note:**

> As silly as it sounds, yes, [Barastabon](http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Barastabon) is canon.


End file.
